Saturdays with Sir Poops-A-Lot: The Tragic Story of No-No and the Sausage

Hair Ball

Sir Poops-A-Lot



SPAL: What did you do with the camera?!

HB: Didn't touch it.

SPAL: Did,too.

HB: Not!

SPAL: Too! You mess everything up. You know that?

HB: You're a pansy! Pansy! Pansy!

SPAL: Hmm...(he sticks his nose in the air). Guess I'll have to tell the story without the pictures.

HB: What story?

SPAL: The No-No and Sausage story.

HB: Oh, that one.

SPAL: Yeah. No-No's heart's been broken. Daddy-o's real mad, too. Says No-No is dumb for leaving everything behind.

HB: Us?

SPAL: Not us, but yes, us. Her job. She never transferred her job to New York. Mummsy said she could've. And, she told mummsy and daddy-o she wasn't going to take the finals to her classes this semester. It made mummsy cry because she spent more money on college classes that went down the drain.

HB: Oh.

SPAL: And, now No-No's in a pickle jar. The Sausage left her all by herself. She has no job and wants to come back home.

HB: Hooray! No-No's coming back home! We can lay in her dirty socks and clothes and her bed all day long.

SPAL: Nope. Mummsy wants to keep it her office. And, daddy-o says no way she's coming back. She needs to learn a lesson.

HB: Like timeout?

SPAL: Timeout, forever.

HB: No, No-No forever?

SPAL: Something like that.

HB: Why did the Sausage leave her?

SPAL: Well, mummsy says you don't run off with people from Facebook.

HB: What's that?

SPAL: Where people meet each other but not face to face. Anyway, daddy-o said the Sausage was from some cult. He was raised that way and went back to it, leaving No-No with nothing. No-No thought he loved her and he promised to marry her but his parents said they'd never accept her.

HB: Poor, No-No. I want to take a bite out of the Sausage(He gives a firece little dog growl). Where's that Pansy?

SPAL: He's somewhere in New York.

HB: Why can't she come back here and live with us?

SPAL: Daddy-o and mummsy gave an edict. Maybe its because she's done this before. Remember Canada?

HB: Hmmm...

SPAL: Besides, my heart broke when she left. I think she broke yours, too. You cried and cried for days. Remember?

HB: Yeah.

SPAL: This makes it two times now. Maybe its a good idea she doesn't come back because she'll do it again.

HB: Are we breaking up with her, too?

SPAL: I think so.

HB: But, breaking up is so hard to do.

SPAL: We have to. Because she'll only leave us for another Sausage, or a Hot Dog, or a piece of Chopped Liver.

Saturdays with Sir Poops-A-Lot: No-No Left

Woe is me! Woe is me!

Yesterday was the worst day of my life. I watched No-No pack her things in garbage bags and boxes. No more socks. No more all-you-can-eat-buffet twenty-four-seven.The room is empty. Totally void of her existence.

The Sausage came to pick her up. She chose him over me. I begged her to stay. I followed her up and down the stairs. “Please don’t go, please.” I begged.But she ignored me and petted my head.

I told the Sausage, “She was my No-No, not his. She’s been mine for the last ten years. He doesn’t know her like I do. She’s my buddy!” I remember planting myself firmly between them before they walked out the door for the last time. They actually walked over me like I wasn’t there. My heart is broken….sniffle…sob…sniffle.

I can’t understand why she left with someone named Sausage. He doesn’t smell like one or, look like one. 

Plus, mummsy says, the Sausage is the reason why No-No’s ribs popped out of place to begin with. “They were probably in a strange sex position,” she said. “He was probably twisting her like a pretzel and won’t admit it.”

I don’t like him already. Twisting my No-No like one of my favorite snacks. How could he? She’s been in so much pain. Mummsy says she’s milking it though. Calls her a hypochondriac. Whatever that is.

Anyway,hair ball’s confused.He whimpered all night for No-No. He doesn’t like sleeping in his own bed alone. He’s afraid the boogies will come and get him. He acts all tough around the big dogs in the neighborhood but he’s really a sissy.

Daddy-o is distraught. He yelled through the house last night. Paced back and forth a lot. I paced with him.He even sprayed her room down with Febreeze. “It stinks in here,” he said. But I disagreed. It was the last remnant of her.He didn’t listen to me either. He went on a rant instead.

“She told me she wasn’t going to take the finals to her college courses. What’s wrong with that girl!? She gave up her job! She’s moving to New York without having a job to go to! The guy’s a looser! What’s wrong with her! Oy vey! Oy vey!”

He repeated himself over and over.

Mummsy rolled her eyes and said, “I get my office back.” She looked happy about it all. How could she?

You know, this morning I was going to write about my sock campaign and about my plans for my butt-huffing seminars but I’m too upset to think straight. My life will never be the same again. My No-No’s gone but daddy-o says she’ll be back.

Mummsy said, “If she does, she’ll have to find her own place. I’m not giving up my office again.”

Very truly yours,

Sir Poops-A-Lot