As you can see, I've lost my nose, my antlers, and the top of my hat. And the heels to my shoes.
You see, this really nice lady picked me out of bin of a million other squeaky toys to go home with her.
I was so excited because sharing a bin with a million others gets pretty tight. Not to mention, all the ga-zillion germy hands that handle me. Why the other day some little boy coughed all over me and used my hat to pick his nose. What's wrong with parents these days? Don't they teach their children any manners?
Anyway, I felt as if this lady was my savior. She told me that I would make a new friend and that he would love me. I was so happy to here that. It had been a long time since someone actually loved me. The last time was when I had to go through quality check on the assembly line. I believe her name was Amanda. She had twinkly eyes and a nice smile.
(If you're reading this Amanda...I...think ...I love you and miss you terribly. Take me back. Please. Life has been horrible without you.)
Guess I'm getting off track again. Sorry. So the nice lady, Mummsy...that's what they call her, brought me home.
Once we were inside, I heard her call, "Hair Ball! I brought you someone special!"
Rapidly clicking nails, skittered toward the bag I anxiously waited in next to a bag of Paul Newman Peanut Butter Dog Treats(I was so hoping that whoever this Hair Ball was, he or she would share some with me-they smelled delicious). Sorry, I need to stay on track. Thoughts of cookies make me a bit unfocused, you know. They don't feed you in the bin.
Okay. So the next thing I hear is heavy breathing and something starts poking at the bag with something blunt. And then Mummsy says, "Did you find your friend, yet?"
Not longer after, something sharp but wet grabs me up. I did my best to glance around at my surroundings. "Aaaaaaa!" I screamed. A large set of fangs had me.
The next thing I knew, this thing threw me up into the air. "Whoa! Mummsy help me!" And then I landed with a plunk and a squeak.
Within seconds, this giant apricot-colored monster began shoving me with his gi-normous snout. "Aaaaaaaa!" I glanced only for a moment over my tiny shoulder. Hot breath blew into my face, and the creature's fangs dripped with saliva.
After, he scarfed me up into his mouth again. Then, he walked us under a table and it was there...he...(sniffles and sobs) bit into my antlers and tore each one off. All the while this Mummsy person says, "I'm so happy you like your new friend."
Torture is the sign of friendship? Is this what Christmas and sharing and giving is?
I'm so confused and at a lost right now. If it weren't for the white giant monster, named Sir Poops, I would have been torn into bits. He says, "Hair Ball has no manners and is stupid." Anyway, this guy has been keeping me safe since Hair Ball ate my nose, my hat, and the back of my shoes.
Sure hope Santa brings me new ones.